Teenage Pregnancy

I thought perhaps I would end this blog. It was nice knowing how much people care about nothing in...

Mon, 09 Jul 2012 23:50:00 -0400

I thought perhaps I would end this blog. It was nice knowing how much people care about nothing in particular, or how nice it is to know how selfless the world can be. I lost my baby 2 and a half weeks ago…Love you all.

I can’t stand it. I HATE being pregnant. I’m not happy, I’m not excited. I’m...

Thu, 21 Jun 2012 00:46:27 -0400

I can’t stand it. I HATE being pregnant. I’m not happy, I’m not excited. I’m miserable. I want this to just end already. I can’t do it. I have so much to do right now.

Photo

Tue, 29 May 2012 23:37:10 -0400

The Letter I'm Sending My Father

Tue, 29 May 2012 00:47:14 -0400

Dear Raymond,

There are things I’ve felt for years. Things I’ve never dreamed of saying to you. There have been so many times I’ve cried because of you; so many sleepless nights. I’ve tried to forgive my only father for a childhood spent in hell. I thought perhaps now that I’m older and that you’ve had time to grow as well, things could be different; that we could have a relationship.

I can at least forgive my mother. She killed herself, giving me the ability to live without her and the choice to live without you as well. You always tell me that it was Social Services that refused to allow you to have me, or that it was my Aunt and Uncle who were the ones to make sure you didn’t get me back. In reality, I made the choice. I told them I’d rather live with complete strangers than live with my own father. Even at such a young age, I knew what was right and what was wrong. I’ve never once been regretful of my decision either. In fact, the more time that pressed on, the less I began to care for you at all. Not only were you the worst father growing up, but you’ve managed to continue that name even to this day. Why do you deserve me at all? You left me. You left your 9 year old daughter to deal with the death of her mother alone. You ignored me for a year until you met Marsha. You made a new family, leaving me behind and throwing it in my face with letters and pictures. You cared more about drugs than you did about me.

I remember hiding in closets when I was younger because you were raging about something and throwing a fit. Do you remember the belt? I doubt it. All you seem to remember are the things that made you look good in front of people. What about those days I’d come home to my mother as black as night because you hit her? What about those nights I went to bed hungry? What about all those words you said, and fists you threw? You never mention those things, do you? I didn’t think so.

In December of 2008, I received a photo of a baby. Her name was Jasmine Marie Boudreau. She’s my sister. At first, I hated her. I was jealous that she was with you and that she had a family that loved her. But then I realized that I didn’t hate her at all, that I actually hated you. You couldn’t raise me, so what made you think you could raise her instead? I looked at that baby and every bad memory came flushing back into my head. Every night spent starving. Every bruise, every tear shed. All of it, like a bad dream. I stared at that baby, and I promised myself that I would never allow for my sister to grow up the way I did. I promised that you wouldn’t lay a finger on her or her mother. That she would be fed, and that I would make sure of it. You thought perhaps I missed you, and that we were finally being reunited. That would be a negative. I never dreamed of seeing you again. I wrote I miss you in all of those letters because I couldn’t possibly write I hate you, now could I? No. But that little girl? I loved her. I loved her and I love her today. I love her more than I love myself which is something you could never say with a straight face, and I’d do anything for her. Don’t you dare forget that.

I’m pregnant. It’s been 3 weeks since I’ve told you. You replied,” It’s okay, honey. We’ll get through this. I’m here for you no matter what”. Funny that I actually believed you. I would have thought I’ve learned my lesson by now. I’ve lived 18 years of my life drowning in your lies, and yet, I still believed you. You’ve let me down for the last time. Your ability to make me cry is no more. One thing Ethan and I know is that there will be people who will love us no matter what, and that there will be people who won’t. This pregnancy is a good way of determining who is worth our time, and who isn’t. You’ve proven to me that you’re selfish, greedy, and cowardly. I’ve learned that you love yourself more than me, and that you’ve chosen personal gain over your own daughter. And so I’m finished. Thank you for nothing, and thank you for everything at the same time.

Raychel Boudreau

]]> thehullabaloo replied to your post: Family. I’m sorry to read about your struggles with you...

Tue, 29 May 2012 00:45:36 -0400

thehullabaloo replied to your post: Family.

I’m sorry to read about your struggles with you dad. How old is your little sister? Stay strong.

Thank you for your suport. She’s 4, and I love her to death.

Family.

Tue, 29 May 2012 00:09:45 -0400

I hate my family. I only have my Dad, my step Mom, my 4 year old sister, aunt and uncle, Nanny, and 4 cousins. My mothers side of the family has been non-exhistant since 2 years after my mothers death, but that’s for another time. My father is the scum of the earth. He’s raising my sister in a home with drugs and smoking. He doesn’t have a job and the house is a pig-sty. He didn’t raise me, and for good reasons too. Today, I’ve realized just how much I hate the guy. I told him I was pregnant 3 weeks ago. He told me he was gonna be there no matter what, but when I told him I was going to have Blaine and Janelle adopt my baby, things seemed to change. He wasn’t happy when I denied his offer of taking the baby because of his drugs and smoking, but what does he really expect? That’s not healthy for a baby! And I refuse to have my child grow up with that. I asked my Dad today if Ethan and I were still traveling down to see them this summer. This is what he had to say to me.

Me: I need you to let me know whether or not you still want us down and if so, I need dates.

Dad: I don’t think its a good idea you might think your sister could use better parents and you could have her taken away from me.

Me: That’s not too far from the truth. Though, I’d say Marsha was fit to be a parent. You on the other hand? Not so much. I should know first hand.

Dad: Exactly.

Me: You know what’s sad? You know you’re bad father, and yet, you do nothing to change it. Your drugs are more important than your family, as you’ve so kindly demonstrated throughout my entire life.

And you know what’s pathetic? He didn’t have anything to say to me after that. Know why? Because I’m right. See, I don’t say things out of anger just to make people hurt, but when someone does something like that to me without any cause or reason, I fight back with honesty. I don’t say things I’ll regret, but rather, things I’ll regret never saying in the first place. My step mom said to me that she thought Blaine and Janelle were bullying me into the adoption. I told her that if there was anyone who I felt was bullying me, it was my Father and Marsha. My plan now, is to keep myself updated on my sisters living conditions through my cousin Alex. If there’s news of any mistreatment towards my sister, or no improvement in my family’s behaviour, then I’m afraid I’ll have to intervene. I love my sister more than I love myself and I’d do anything to make sure she has the whole world at her feet. But until they apologize, I can count myself without a family at all, and thank God for that.

Pregnancy

Mon, 28 May 2012 23:49:10 -0400

BASICS:

Name: Raychel
Age: 18
Birthdate:November 20, 1993
Height: 5’3
Weight gained so far: around 5 pounds

FIRSTS:

Is this your first pregnancy?: Yes
How did you find out you were pregnant? Intensified period symptoms and no period.
What kind of pregnancy test did you take?: First Response
How many?: One.
What were your first symptoms?: Period symptoms and no period.
Who did you tell first?: My friend Laura
Who was with you when you found out?: No one.
Was baby planned?: Definitely not
When was baby conceived?: Middle of March sometime
How far were you when you found out?: About 4 weeks

THE BABY:

Due date: December 31st. NEW YEARS!!
Do you know the gender?: Not yet
If so, boy or girl?: We’re hoping for a boy.
Any names?: Way too many
Any ultrasounds?: 1
Have you heard the heartbeat?: Not yet
Who do you think baby will look like?: Me! haha…jk. No idea.

Will baby have any siblings?: They’ll have 2 sisters whom are actually their cousinds
Have you felt baby move?: Nope

MISCELLANEOUS:

Do/Did you have morning sickness?: Hardly

Do/Did you have any cravings?: I don’t think so. Maybe pickles and cake.

Do/Did you have any mood swings?: Omg, yes!!

Are you a high risk pregnancy?: Not at all. At least, not yet.
Any complications?: ne hospital trip but it was all good.
Formula or breastfeeding?: Most likely formula
Have you bought anything for baby yet?: No.

When did you start to show?: I haven’t begun to show quite yet. I have a tiny buldge that’s hardly noticable.
How long could you wear your regular clothes?: Still am!
Are you excited?: Not particularly
Who will help with baby after their born?: Ethan’s brother Blaine and his wife Janelle.
What are some of your favorite things about being pregnant?: I can’t say that there’s too much. Maybe not having to do stock at work as much.

What are some of the worst things about being pregnant?: Almost everything really..

What are some things you miss doing since being pregnant? Almost everything..
Are you ready for baby?: Not in the least
How many kids do you want? Excluding this one, maybe 2 in the future.
Do you talk to your baby?: Ethan does. lol.
Do you still feel attractive?: Not even!
How far along are you now?: 9 weeks and counting.

alternate-universes: I don’t see teen mother in that definition...

Mon, 28 May 2012 23:06:46 -0400

alternate-universes:

I don’t see teen mother in that definition anywhere. do you?

Dreaming

Tue, 22 May 2012 13:20:32 -0400

I had such a funny dream last night! I dreamt of Ethan and I. The dream was adorable. It was full of love, and romance, and everything cute. In it, Ethan tells me something super romantic. I lean in for a kiss and just as my lips hit his, I wake up to my lips hitting a pillow. lol. I can’t wait to tell Ethan about it. He’s gonna laugh so hard! lol

Home

Mon, 21 May 2012 00:35:48 -0400

I have one last chance to see my parents in August before I no longer can travel. My parents live in Ontario so it’s quite the trip, and although I usually travel 3 times a year, I’ll only be traveling once this year. It’s kinda hard concidering this is the hardest time of my life and I’ll have to endure it with absolutely no family. I’ll be spending Christmas without them for the first time in years too. I’ve convinced Ethan to come along as well, in August. I’m a little nervous for him to meet my folks, but at the same time I’m pretty excited. We wanna fly there, stay for a couple of days, take the train to B.C for fun and to visit his Aunt and Uncle who live there, and then catch the Grayhound back to Calgary. It’s something small, but I think it will be so much fun! We talk a lot about traveling together but I never thought we’d end up doing it before the baby was born. I hope it all turns ot well.

Harrison

Sat, 19 May 2012 12:48:33 -0400

I have this friend who lied to me about how they found out about my pregnancy, 3 times. I have this friend who sat outside my house for 4.5 hours after I refused to talk to them. I have this friend who once peeked through my window when they came over unexpectedly. I have this friend who hates everyone except my friend Laura and I. I have this friend, and his name is Harrison. He and I argue consistantly about everything because he’s anal while I couldn’t care less. He calls me his best friend. I used to not mind so much, but after Ethan and I started dating, I realized how much I did mind. He’s not my best friend. We share nothing in common other than snowboarding and movies. He’s stalks my house. He lies, and he treats my boyfriend like garbage for absolutely no reason. At this point, I don’t really have much else to say to the guy except that I’ve given him far too many chances to show himself as a nice person. Ethan’s tried not once, not twice, but three times to be his friend. He’s taken him out for coffee, he bought him a birthday card, and he’s tried adjusting himself for him. Ethan doesn’t see the point in being a persons friend when you have to try that hard. It’s not even worth it, and I agree. I’m exhausted of trying to please Harrison. I’m rundown, and even though he gave me a written apology with flowers, it means nothing as he’s crossed the line, and has apologized numerous times to me making promises he’s never kept. It’s just a giant cycle that I’m done rolling with.

Today.

Wed, 16 May 2012 01:15:46 -0400

Today was crap. I woke, went to the river alone. Got bored. Met Ethan at Money Mart to chill for an hour before I headed over to work. Then he started telling me not to go to work. He told me that he wanted to go get a new phone and then we’d eat steak and go do something together before having coffee with our friend Steve. This is how it actually worked: Ethan got a new phone, we went home, he played with it, we ate, we walked to the store so he could buy candy, we walked back, he played on his phone, then Steve cancled, then Ethan says it’s too late to do anything but I’m more than welcome to stay the night; he even offeres to watch a movie with me, I agree, he plays with his phone instead, then he says he’s tired and ready for bed, so I ask to go home. Then he gets in an argument with me about driving cause he’s not listening to either me or his mom, and he’s fucking up and acting like he knows it all, when in reality, he’s been driving for no more than a week. Tells me to shut up too. I wasn’t pleased. A lot of false promises were made tonight. Honestly? What a waste of my freakin time….

Our Friends

Mon, 14 May 2012 14:14:48 -0400

We told our friends Friday and Saturday. I think just about every one of them knows now. Our friend Melissa didn’t believe us at first, but then when she realized we weren’t kidding, she became super awkward. Telling everyone on Saturday was actually kind of funny. Ethan gave a bit of speech and right before he was about to say it, our friend Michael says,”Is Raychel pregnant”??? Ethan and I say yes and he’s like, “I’m out of here”, and proceeds to walk out the door. He comes back in and is like, “Is the joke over yet”? We tell him it’s not a joke and a bunch of the others start backing us up. I start talking about how far along I am and when the due date is and Ethan chirps in with our plans and his brother when Natasha and Clinton look at us kind of confused. Natasha says,”Wait. We were just going along cause we thought you were trolling Michael…are you serious”? Ethan and I are like, wow….our friends aren’t getting it. In the end, we argued about it and finally got them all to come to terms with that fact that I am most certainly pregnant. All in all, I thought it was humorous. =]

Ethan and I had dinner with our pastor the other night. It was nerve racking at first, but...

Mon, 14 May 2012 14:07:08 -0400

Ethan and I had dinner with our pastor the other night. It was nerve racking at first, but afterwards, it was a giant blessing. Pastor gave a lot of support and said a lot of great things. It was a relief to hear the biggest member of the church support us like that, especially since I’ve been stressing over telling the church. I’m still a little nervous, but at the same time, I’m feeling a hell of a lot better. I think telling people will become a lot easier.

New Years Baby!

Sat, 12 May 2012 18:59:38 -0400

Looks like the baby is due on New Years! Ethan and I are extatic. I’m 6 weeks and 5 days along now. The ultrasound was beautiful. We even got to see a heart beat. I think we’ll be alright.

]]> failingtobehealthy replied to your post: I’m telling more and more people as time goes...

Tue, 08 May 2012 14:24:02 -0400

failingtobehealthy replied to your post: I’m telling more and more people as time goes on….

You could start telling only people you trust so you get used to telling people? Better tell them before your belly starts showing or they will REALLY talk behind your back

That’s what we’ve been doing. It’s funny that you say “before they start to notice”. Yesterday, when I told one of my co-workers, they were like, “That makes so much sense…I thought you were getting a little rounder, but now I know it’s just a baby”. So, even though I’m not too far in, I apparently have begun to show. haha. We’re gonna have coffee with our pastor first and then we’ll break it down to the church and our friends.=]

I’m telling more and more people as time goes on. That doesn’t mean a lot of people know...

Mon, 07 May 2012 22:46:00 -0400

I’m telling more and more people as time goes on. That doesn’t mean a lot of people know though. I’m so worried about what people will think. I know that sounds bad, but I care about the people who surround me. They always say that I’m kind hearted and a woman of God, and I know that this situation doesn’t change that, but I can’t help but wonder what they’re really thinking. They will all say how much they support me, and how much they love me, but in the end, I’m 18 years old, and unprepared. I’m pretty sure a lot of them will say those things, and then turn around and talk about how unbeleivable it is that Ethan and I are having a baby. They’ll say things like, “slut”, and, “stupid”. I don’t want the people I care so much for, to think those things about me. I don’t think I’m a slut, nor do I think that Ethan and I are stupid. Accidents happen, and right now, we really need people to understand that, more than anything.

Hospital

Mon, 07 May 2012 16:10:09 -0400

Yesterday evening, Ethan and I were hanging out at my house. I went to the bathroom and found pink coloring on the toilet tissue. We had to go to the hospital. I’m terrified of hospitals, so it took a lot for him to convince me to go. Everything’s fine though. Doctor said that the baby looks fine, and that sometimes early on, you’ll have the occasional fetal bleed, which is just a leak in the sac. It’s normal and nothing to worry about. We had dinner at The Keg afterwards and it was so delicious. While we waited for dessert, Ethan grabbed my hand and we danced. It was very romantic, considering everything that had happened that night. It was a bad day, and yet, a really really great one.

Photo

Sun, 06 May 2012 01:00:54 -0400

My baby is stealing all of my food!!!!!! I’M LIKE, EATING EVERYTHING, AND I’M STILL...

Fri, 04 May 2012 11:43:31 -0400

My baby is stealing all of my food!!!!!! I’M LIKE, EATING EVERYTHING, AND I’M STILL STARVING. -sob-