I thought perhaps I would end this blog. It was nice knowing how much people care about nothing in particular, or how nice it is to know how selfless the world can be. I lost my baby 2 and a half weeks ago…Love you all.
I can’t stand it. I HATE being pregnant. I’m not happy, I’m not excited. I’m miserable. I want this to just end already. I can’t do it. I have so much to do right now.
There are things I’ve felt for years. Things I’ve never dreamed of saying to you. There have been so many times I’ve cried because of you; so many sleepless nights. I’ve tried to forgive my only father for a childhood spent in hell. I thought perhaps now that I’m older and that you’ve had time to grow as well, things could be different; that we could have a relationship.
I can at least forgive my mother. She killed herself, giving me the ability to live without her and the choice to live without you as well. You always tell me that it was Social Services that refused to allow you to have me, or that it was my Aunt and Uncle who were the ones to make sure you didn’t get me back. In reality, I made the choice. I told them I’d rather live with complete strangers than live with my own father. Even at such a young age, I knew what was right and what was wrong. I’ve never once been regretful of my decision either. In fact, the more time that pressed on, the less I began to care for you at all. Not only were you the worst father growing up, but you’ve managed to continue that name even to this day. Why do you deserve me at all? You left me. You left your 9 year old daughter to deal with the death of her mother alone. You ignored me for a year until you met Marsha. You made a new family, leaving me behind and throwing it in my face with letters and pictures. You cared more about drugs than you did about me.
I remember hiding in closets when I was younger because you were raging about something and throwing a fit. Do you remember the belt? I doubt it. All you seem to remember are the things that made you look good in front of people. What about those days I’d come home to my mother as black as night because you hit her? What about those nights I went to bed hungry? What about all those words you said, and fists you threw? You never mention those things, do you? I didn’t think so.
In December of 2008, I received a photo of a baby. Her name was Jasmine Marie Boudreau. She’s my sister. At first, I hated her. I was jealous that she was with you and that she had a family that loved her. But then I realized that I didn’t hate her at all, that I actually hated you. You couldn’t raise me, so what made you think you could raise her instead? I looked at that baby and every bad memory came flushing back into my head. Every night spent starving. Every bruise, every tear shed. All of it, like a bad dream. I stared at that baby, and I promised myself that I would never allow for my sister to grow up the way I did. I promised that you wouldn’t lay a finger on her or her mother. That she would be fed, and that I would make sure of it. You thought perhaps I missed you, and that we were finally being reunited. That would be a negative. I never dreamed of seeing you again. I wrote I miss you in all of those letters because I couldn’t possibly write I hate you, now could I? No. But that little girl? I loved her. I loved her and I love her today. I love her more than I love myself which is something you could never say with a straight face, and I’d do anything for her. Don’t you dare forget that.
I’m pregnant. It’s been 3 weeks since I’ve told you. You replied,” It’s okay, honey. We’ll get through this. I’m here for you no matter what”. Funny that I actually believed you. I would have thought I’ve learned my lesson by now. I’ve lived 18 years of my life drowning in your lies, and yet, I still believed you. You’ve let me down for the last time. Your ability to make me cry is no more. One thing Ethan and I know is that there will be people who will love us no matter what, and that there will be people who won’t. This pregnancy is a good way of determining who is worth our time, and who isn’t. You’ve proven to me that you’re selfish, greedy, and cowardly. I’ve learned that you love yourself more than me, and that you’ve chosen personal gain over your own daughter. And so I’m finished. Thank you for nothing, and thank you for everything at the same time.
I hate my family. I only have my Dad, my step Mom, my 4 year old sister, aunt and uncle, Nanny, and 4 cousins. My mothers side of the family has been non-exhistant since 2 years after my mothers death, but that’s for another time. My father is the scum of the earth. He’s raising my sister in a home with drugs and smoking. He doesn’t have a job and the house is a pig-sty. He didn’t raise me, and for good reasons too. Today, I’ve realized just how much I hate the guy. I told him I was pregnant 3 weeks ago. He told me he was gonna be there no matter what, but when I told him I was going to have Blaine and Janelle adopt my baby, things seemed to change. He wasn’t happy when I denied his offer of taking the baby because of his drugs and smoking, but what does he really expect? That’s not healthy for a baby! And I refuse to have my child grow up with that. I asked my Dad today if Ethan and I were still traveling down to see them this summer. This is what he had to say to me.
Me: I need you to let me know whether or not you still want us down and if so, I need dates.
Dad: I don’t think its a good idea you might think your sister could use better parents and you could have her taken away from me.
Me: That’s not too far from the truth. Though, I’d say Marsha was fit to be a parent. You on the other hand? Not so much. I should know first hand.
Me: You know what’s sad? You know you’re bad father, and yet, you do nothing to change it. Your drugs are more important than your family, as you’ve so kindly demonstrated throughout my entire life.
And you know what’s pathetic? He didn’t have anything to say to me after that. Know why? Because I’m right. See, I don’t say things out of anger just to make people hurt, but when someone does something like that to me without any cause or reason, I fight back with honesty. I don’t say things I’ll regret, but rather, things I’ll regret never saying in the first place. My step mom said to me that she thought Blaine and Janelle were bullying me into the adoption. I told her that if there was anyone who I felt was bullying me, it was my Father and Marsha. My plan now, is to keep myself updated on my sisters living conditions through my cousin Alex. If there’s news of any mistreatment towards my sister, or no improvement in my family’s behaviour, then I’m afraid I’ll have to intervene. I love my sister more than I love myself and I’d do anything to make sure she has the whole world at her feet. But until they apologize, I can count myself without a family at all, and thank God for that.
Birthdate:November 20, 1993
Weight gained so far: around 5 pounds
Is this your first pregnancy?: Yes
How did you find out you were pregnant? Intensified period symptoms and no period.
What kind of pregnancy test did you take?: First Response
How many?: One.
What were your first symptoms?: Period symptoms and no period.
Who did you tell first?: My friend Laura
Who was with you when you found out?: No one.
Was baby planned?: Definitely not
When was baby conceived?: Middle of March sometime
How far were you when you found out?: About 4 weeks
Due date: December 31st. NEW YEARS!!
Do you know the gender?: Not yet
If so, boy or girl?: We’re hoping for a boy.
Any names?: Way too many
Any ultrasounds?: 1
Have you heard the heartbeat?: Not yet
Who do you think baby will look like?: Me! haha…jk. No idea.
Will baby have any siblings?: They’ll have 2 sisters whom are actually their cousinds
Have you felt baby move?: Nope
Do/Did you have morning sickness?: Hardly
Do/Did you have any cravings?: I don’t think so. Maybe pickles and cake.
Do/Did you have any mood swings?: Omg, yes!!
Are you a high risk pregnancy?: Not at all. At least, not yet.
Any complications?: ne hospital trip but it was all good.
Formula or breastfeeding?: Most likely formula
Have you bought anything for baby yet?: No.
When did you start to show?: I haven’t begun to show quite yet. I have a tiny buldge that’s hardly noticable.
How long could you wear your regular clothes?: Still am!
Are you excited?: Not particularly
Who will help with baby after their born?: Ethan’s brother Blaine and his wife Janelle.
What are some of your favorite things about being pregnant?: I can’t say that there’s too much. Maybe not having to do stock at work as much.
What are some of the worst things about being pregnant?: Almost everything really..
What are some things you miss doing since being pregnant? Almost everything..
Are you ready for baby?: Not in the least
How many kids do you want? Excluding this one, maybe 2 in the future.
Do you talk to your baby?: Ethan does. lol.
Do you still feel attractive?: Not even!
How far along are you now?: 9 weeks and counting.
I had such a funny dream last night! I dreamt of Ethan and I. The dream was adorable. It was full of love, and romance, and everything cute. In it, Ethan tells me something super romantic. I lean in for a kiss and just as my lips hit his, I wake up to my lips hitting a pillow. lol. I can’t wait to tell Ethan about it. He’s gonna laugh so hard! lol
I have one last chance to see my parents in August before I no longer can travel. My parents live in Ontario so it’s quite the trip, and although I usually travel 3 times a year, I’ll only be traveling once this year. It’s kinda hard concidering this is the hardest time of my life and I’ll have to endure it with absolutely no family. I’ll be spending Christmas without them for the first time in years too. I’ve convinced Ethan to come along as well, in August. I’m a little nervous for him to meet my folks, but at the same time I’m pretty excited. We wanna fly there, stay for a couple of days, take the train to B.C for fun and to visit his Aunt and Uncle who live there, and then catch the Grayhound back to Calgary. It’s something small, but I think it will be so much fun! We talk a lot about traveling together but I never thought we’d end up doing it before the baby was born. I hope it all turns ot well.